The reason I'm publically stating me and Kathy's previous problems and our new boundaries is to increase the transparency and openness of our relationship. Kathy is a leader in a minstry that demands transparency and accountability; I am involved in a men's group that promotes honesty about the struggles we're facing.
Some have expressed concern that by publishing our problems we are opening ourselves up to "attack" by people with ulterior motives. We can't act based on what-if scenarios or let fear hold us back on what we know we should do.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
Why I'm Still Dating Kathy
Over the past four months my relationship with Kathy has consistently come under scrutiny; most of it has been legitimate concerns but there's been some negative banter sprinkled in there from people with ulterior motives. My move out here and me and Kathy's struggles have caused the volume of the concerns to rise, so I figured I would address some of the many concerns in a blog so I can write out my answers and have a digital "round table" discussion with my friends.
Concern #1: My Move Out Here
There were numerous concerns raised by my move out here, most of which have been disproven over time. The most prevalent concern was I am "ceding control" of our relationship by moving out here. The underlying reasoning is that by me moving out here and changing my life for our relationship that I was assuming the "submissive" role and bowing down to Kathy's desires. The first flaw in this argument is that Kathy didn't ask me to come, I took the initiative; secondly me and Kathy are not in a "betrothed" relationship so there are no submissive roles. If me and Kathy were married (or one could argue once we're engaged) then my leadership role becomes more clearly defined. As it stands right now me and Kathy are two individuals in a committed relationship getting to know each other and exploring the possibility of marriage, so the marriage roles aren't in effect. I have to earn Kathy's trust and respect so that I will have her trust and respect once we have entered into the marriage relationship. I don't want to have to demand her respect, I want to earn it over time - starting now. My move out here displayed my sacrificial love and servant's heart, she can see that I'm serious about her and I'm serious about us. I am doing what it takes to win her heart and to further our relationship.
Concern #2: Our Physical Relations
For those of you in the know, me and Kathy have been struggling a little bit in our physical relationship. Many people have questioned my leadership in the relationship and whether or not I can rescue our relationship from the slippery slope we're on now. To those of you who have expressed concern: you have every right to worry. Me and Kathy are working vigilantly to purify our relationship, and we are taking the necessary steps in order to save our relationship and make it pleasing to God. I have surrounded myself with community, both here in Evanston and back home in the Antelope Valley. Me and Kathy have set new boundaries, which I will share with you at the end of this blog. We're going to be starting pre-engagement counseling as soon as possible and will be working together to restore our relationship's purity.
So that's the update, I hope that answers your questions and calms your worries. If you have more questions that you want me to answer, post them here and I'll answer them - as long as they have nothing to do with weddings and engagement plans! ;)
Me and Kathy's Boundaries:
No alone time in a bedroom for longer than fifteen minutes
No "petting" on or around private areas - we need to work not to arouse the other
Concern #1: My Move Out Here
There were numerous concerns raised by my move out here, most of which have been disproven over time. The most prevalent concern was I am "ceding control" of our relationship by moving out here. The underlying reasoning is that by me moving out here and changing my life for our relationship that I was assuming the "submissive" role and bowing down to Kathy's desires. The first flaw in this argument is that Kathy didn't ask me to come, I took the initiative; secondly me and Kathy are not in a "betrothed" relationship so there are no submissive roles. If me and Kathy were married (or one could argue once we're engaged) then my leadership role becomes more clearly defined. As it stands right now me and Kathy are two individuals in a committed relationship getting to know each other and exploring the possibility of marriage, so the marriage roles aren't in effect. I have to earn Kathy's trust and respect so that I will have her trust and respect once we have entered into the marriage relationship. I don't want to have to demand her respect, I want to earn it over time - starting now. My move out here displayed my sacrificial love and servant's heart, she can see that I'm serious about her and I'm serious about us. I am doing what it takes to win her heart and to further our relationship.
Concern #2: Our Physical Relations
For those of you in the know, me and Kathy have been struggling a little bit in our physical relationship. Many people have questioned my leadership in the relationship and whether or not I can rescue our relationship from the slippery slope we're on now. To those of you who have expressed concern: you have every right to worry. Me and Kathy are working vigilantly to purify our relationship, and we are taking the necessary steps in order to save our relationship and make it pleasing to God. I have surrounded myself with community, both here in Evanston and back home in the Antelope Valley. Me and Kathy have set new boundaries, which I will share with you at the end of this blog. We're going to be starting pre-engagement counseling as soon as possible and will be working together to restore our relationship's purity.
So that's the update, I hope that answers your questions and calms your worries. If you have more questions that you want me to answer, post them here and I'll answer them - as long as they have nothing to do with weddings and engagement plans! ;)
Me and Kathy's Boundaries:
No alone time in a bedroom for longer than fifteen minutes
No "petting" on or around private areas - we need to work not to arouse the other
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Where You lead me, I will follow...so go ahead and lead me now!
As I was worshipping last night to a worship song with the words, "Lead me Lord and I will follow, Lead me Lord and I'll go" I started reflecting on my life and what those words mean. I believe I've been able to "hear" God's voice the past five years of my life, and when I believe He's instructing me I tend to obey with little hesitation. He wanted me to quit my job and start my business, done; He wanted me to change my wardrobe and music, done; He wanted me to use all my profits for Evolution Is Impossible, done; He wanted me to drop everything and move to Evanston, done.
Now I'm in Evanston and wondering what's next. What is God going to do with me and Kathy? What is God going to do with my spiritual walk? What is God going to teach me out here? What's next? I know that Evanston is a temporary thing and I'm supposed to be moving back to California sometime, but when is that time?
Me and Kathy are starting to talk where we'd live if we got married. There's really only two options at this point: Evanston and the Antelope Valley. In lieu of a clear direction from God, how does one decide where to live? I think the best way to decide where God wants you is to find out where you would best be used. If I can be better used in Evanston, I need to stay here. Another way to figure out where God wants you to live is to decide where you'll grow more in your walk with God; if you're in a stagnant place in your walk with God the best thing for you to do may be to move (although this is a very extreme way of shaking up your life!).
I am desperately searching for answers, especially now that things seem to be pulling me in both directions! I just got a new job out here in Evanston, Kath just got a raise and a promotion. I'm learning new things out here and my spiritual walk has been given new life. Me and Kath have gotten much closer as a couple and really strengthened our relationship. But there's a job opening for me in the Antelope Valley in September, Kathy's rent is up in September and I feel like the ministry opportunities out here are lacking a little bit for me and Kath.
These times of confusion are really the most exciting times because they make you lean on God, if you have no stability you're forced to lean on the Rock.
Now I'm in Evanston and wondering what's next. What is God going to do with me and Kathy? What is God going to do with my spiritual walk? What is God going to teach me out here? What's next? I know that Evanston is a temporary thing and I'm supposed to be moving back to California sometime, but when is that time?
Me and Kathy are starting to talk where we'd live if we got married. There's really only two options at this point: Evanston and the Antelope Valley. In lieu of a clear direction from God, how does one decide where to live? I think the best way to decide where God wants you is to find out where you would best be used. If I can be better used in Evanston, I need to stay here. Another way to figure out where God wants you to live is to decide where you'll grow more in your walk with God; if you're in a stagnant place in your walk with God the best thing for you to do may be to move (although this is a very extreme way of shaking up your life!).
I am desperately searching for answers, especially now that things seem to be pulling me in both directions! I just got a new job out here in Evanston, Kath just got a raise and a promotion. I'm learning new things out here and my spiritual walk has been given new life. Me and Kath have gotten much closer as a couple and really strengthened our relationship. But there's a job opening for me in the Antelope Valley in September, Kathy's rent is up in September and I feel like the ministry opportunities out here are lacking a little bit for me and Kath.
These times of confusion are really the most exciting times because they make you lean on God, if you have no stability you're forced to lean on the Rock.
Friday, June 09, 2006
How's Chicago?
I want to give y'all a run-down of what's been happening in Chicago (actually Evanston, directly north of Chicago), Illinois. Well, I got in here late Friday night and just crashed on Kathy's couch. We were pretty pooped, spending three days in a car will wipe you out! We spent all day Saturday at a wedding, decorating for it in the morning and enjoying the festivites in the afternoon. Seriously, weddings are becoming a theme of our relationship: we met at a wedding and now we spent our first day together in the same city at a wedding! Crazy!
The wedding went great, we had a great time dancing and hanging out with her friends. It's weird for me right now because all of the social situations I'm in are new social situations, I don't really know anyone really well yet. But more on that later....
Sunday was my first church service at Evanston Vineyard (Kathy's church) and it was great. I got to meet more people, we had some great worship and made it through a rather boring sermon on Prayer. Sunday afternoon was our first opportunity to just hang out, we set up my apartment and got me all unpacked. It was sweet. At church, a guy that I met before I moved out here (Tommy) gave me an air mattress and pump - what a life-saver!
Monday was my first weekday in Evanston. I spent the majority of the day looking for a job, finishing up my apartment and getting to know Evanston. It was really relaxing! Monday night I attended my first meeting of a Men's Group I was invited to; the topic of the Men's Group is relationships - perfect, I know! Anyway, it was really cool and I feel like I started to bond with some of the guys out here.
Tuesday was a real work day, I was very determined to get things accomplished. I did more job-hunting, returned a lot of calls and caught up on my emails. Nothing really exciting happened, but in the afternoon Kath started coming down with a real bad stomach pain that would keep her at home all day Wednesday. I spent a large part of Wednesday just babying Kath and getting her well again so she could go back to work on Thursday.
I went with her to Downers Grove (the city she works in) on Thursday to spend the day down there, just relaxing. I needed a day where I had nothing to do, and this was a good opportunity for me to do that. I spent the morning reading Ann Coulter's new book at the local Barnes and Noble, had lunch with Kath and spent the afternoon at the local library. Sweet! Then last night me and Kath went to the local mall just to try on clothes and hang out. It was really fun!
I feel like the Lord is blessing my socks off out here. I've really connected with some guys out here and it's only been a week. I feel like I'm starting to become a part of the community out here, I feel like I belong. Kath has done a great job introducing me to people and letting me make my own connections and establish myself as an individual. This move has already really strengthened me and Kath's relationship and brought us closer together as a team and as a unit. I miss you guys in the Antelope Valley, but I know God has something really special for me out here - I just don't know what yet. :)
The wedding went great, we had a great time dancing and hanging out with her friends. It's weird for me right now because all of the social situations I'm in are new social situations, I don't really know anyone really well yet. But more on that later....
Sunday was my first church service at Evanston Vineyard (Kathy's church) and it was great. I got to meet more people, we had some great worship and made it through a rather boring sermon on Prayer. Sunday afternoon was our first opportunity to just hang out, we set up my apartment and got me all unpacked. It was sweet. At church, a guy that I met before I moved out here (Tommy) gave me an air mattress and pump - what a life-saver!
Monday was my first weekday in Evanston. I spent the majority of the day looking for a job, finishing up my apartment and getting to know Evanston. It was really relaxing! Monday night I attended my first meeting of a Men's Group I was invited to; the topic of the Men's Group is relationships - perfect, I know! Anyway, it was really cool and I feel like I started to bond with some of the guys out here.
Tuesday was a real work day, I was very determined to get things accomplished. I did more job-hunting, returned a lot of calls and caught up on my emails. Nothing really exciting happened, but in the afternoon Kath started coming down with a real bad stomach pain that would keep her at home all day Wednesday. I spent a large part of Wednesday just babying Kath and getting her well again so she could go back to work on Thursday.
I went with her to Downers Grove (the city she works in) on Thursday to spend the day down there, just relaxing. I needed a day where I had nothing to do, and this was a good opportunity for me to do that. I spent the morning reading Ann Coulter's new book at the local Barnes and Noble, had lunch with Kath and spent the afternoon at the local library. Sweet! Then last night me and Kath went to the local mall just to try on clothes and hang out. It was really fun!
I feel like the Lord is blessing my socks off out here. I've really connected with some guys out here and it's only been a week. I feel like I'm starting to become a part of the community out here, I feel like I belong. Kath has done a great job introducing me to people and letting me make my own connections and establish myself as an individual. This move has already really strengthened me and Kath's relationship and brought us closer together as a team and as a unit. I miss you guys in the Antelope Valley, but I know God has something really special for me out here - I just don't know what yet. :)
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Headed on the Highway, Looking for Adventure!
This is a day-by-day recollection of me and Kath's crazy journey across the country! Sit back and enjoy...
Wednesday:
We left Wednesday morning about five in the morning. We packed the previous night, my poor little Saturn (later named Willy) was packed to the brim! Before I left my mom gave me a tearful good-bye and me and Kath were off, driving into the sunrise. The drive started off very easy and we got out of California without any difficulty.
We enterered Nevada when the sun was still rising and got into Vegas about ten. Kath had never seen Vegas before so we stopped and walked the strip. More on our Vegas trip later, we did something a little crazy.
We got out of Vegas and headed east towards Utah. Nevada's actually a really boring state once you get past Vegas! There's really nothing there except a few small towns...disappointing! Me and Kath were in Utah for about 400 miles and saw maybe five or six towns. It wasn't uncommon for us to see a sign saying "Salinas next right - no services next 100 miles." To say Utah was a barren wasteland is being very nice. We *did* get some good tanning in some National Forest in Utah, it was sweet! We were eager to get out of Utah and into civilation, but we kept stopping to take in the sights so we ended the day about four hours behind schedule and got out of Utah around nine. We stopped at a Super8 motel and went to bed.
Thursday:
We got back on the road about nine in the morning and headed east. We hit the Rockies around noon, the mountains were gorgeous! The ski season had recently ended so there were waterfalls around almost every corner, it was a very romantic drive. We stopped to see one of Kath's old friends in a nearby town, stayed for about an hour and then took off. Well, Kath's friend gave bad directions so we ended up losing an hour. We barely got out of Colorado before the day was over and stayed in a podunk town in Nebraska called...Ogallala! There's a great hotel there called "Grey Goose Lodge" that provided free breakfast, an outdoor pool and double beds. It was sweet! We got a great night's sleep...
Friday:
Our last day on the road! We were excited to get back to Illinois, but we were having a blast the entire trip! We both like to sing at the drop of a hat, so we would break out in an appropriate song with great comedic timing. We were having a great time just enjoying each other's company! We were having some great conversations, we made a lot of progress in our relationship and got to know each other a lot better. Anyway, so we got through the bajillion cornfields in Nebraska and entered Iowa about lunchtime. Iowa was lame. We got to Illinois around six-ish and grabbed some chinese food for dinner. We could taste home, so we kept going. We finally arrived at Kath's house at nine on Friday night. Pictures to follow!
Wednesday:
We left Wednesday morning about five in the morning. We packed the previous night, my poor little Saturn (later named Willy) was packed to the brim! Before I left my mom gave me a tearful good-bye and me and Kath were off, driving into the sunrise. The drive started off very easy and we got out of California without any difficulty.
We enterered Nevada when the sun was still rising and got into Vegas about ten. Kath had never seen Vegas before so we stopped and walked the strip. More on our Vegas trip later, we did something a little crazy.
We got out of Vegas and headed east towards Utah. Nevada's actually a really boring state once you get past Vegas! There's really nothing there except a few small towns...disappointing! Me and Kath were in Utah for about 400 miles and saw maybe five or six towns. It wasn't uncommon for us to see a sign saying "Salinas next right - no services next 100 miles." To say Utah was a barren wasteland is being very nice. We *did* get some good tanning in some National Forest in Utah, it was sweet! We were eager to get out of Utah and into civilation, but we kept stopping to take in the sights so we ended the day about four hours behind schedule and got out of Utah around nine. We stopped at a Super8 motel and went to bed.
Thursday:
We got back on the road about nine in the morning and headed east. We hit the Rockies around noon, the mountains were gorgeous! The ski season had recently ended so there were waterfalls around almost every corner, it was a very romantic drive. We stopped to see one of Kath's old friends in a nearby town, stayed for about an hour and then took off. Well, Kath's friend gave bad directions so we ended up losing an hour. We barely got out of Colorado before the day was over and stayed in a podunk town in Nebraska called...Ogallala! There's a great hotel there called "Grey Goose Lodge" that provided free breakfast, an outdoor pool and double beds. It was sweet! We got a great night's sleep...
Friday:
Our last day on the road! We were excited to get back to Illinois, but we were having a blast the entire trip! We both like to sing at the drop of a hat, so we would break out in an appropriate song with great comedic timing. We were having a great time just enjoying each other's company! We were having some great conversations, we made a lot of progress in our relationship and got to know each other a lot better. Anyway, so we got through the bajillion cornfields in Nebraska and entered Iowa about lunchtime. Iowa was lame. We got to Illinois around six-ish and grabbed some chinese food for dinner. We could taste home, so we kept going. We finally arrived at Kath's house at nine on Friday night. Pictures to follow!
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