I haven't blogged about sex for almost a year! A year ago I had been married for only six months; in the past year I have learned so much about sex (from all angles). I came into married sex with quite a few false expectations and assumptions; and it caused a little strain and a lot of laughter between me and Kath. So I figure, what the hey, I'll share what my false expectations were and what I found to be the case for me and Kathy.
False Expectation Number 1: Sex is an activity
While having sex is an activity; it turns out sex (or at least good sex) is more of a conversation. At first it's really awkward to talk when you're "doing it" but giving your partner instructions and/or encouragement really improves the quality of the experience! When Kathy first gave me orders, I was offended. My thought was something like, "Excuse me, I'm the man so I'm the leader so you just do what I say!" After the, er, experience I realized that if she's enjoying herself I enjoy the sex a lot more. I'm not sure if it's just me, but telling Kathy what to do in the bedroom didn't feel right at first - but after we got in the swing of things we found that giving helpful instructions about what to do really enhanced the sex! Lastly, sex is such an intimate act it cheapens it to just tie "sex" to intercourse when it's so much more than that!
False Expectation Number 2: You're not supposed to talk about sex with other people
If you've hung out with me or Kathy a few times, chances are we've talked about sex at some point. We really enjoy it. But it wasn't always the case, we used to be bashful about it until we opened up one day and realized that -everyone- likes talking about sex but we're all worried that it'll be weird! I have learned quite a bit just from talking to my married friends, it's awesome!
False Expectation Number 3: Sex will just happen
Wow, I was so off on this one. I went into marriage thinking that sex will just happen - I'll look into Kathy's eyes and just know what she wants and vice versa. So not true. There are definitely times when we just look at each other and hastily make our way to the bedroom; but that's not usually how it goes down. Someone once told me, "Alex, sex begins when you wake up and ends that night when you go to sleep." The point this guy was making was that sex is not just the act of sex, but it's an intimacy thing that needs to be massaged all the time so that Kathy feels close to me and wants to be one with me (and vice versa).
False Expectation Number 4: The sex dies after a year of marriage
I heard this so many times it just got drilled into my head: my sex life will collapse after the one-year mark because the "spark" is gone and the newness has worn off. The newness does wear off, but the spark doesn't have to die; but it needs to be fanned into a flame in different ways as the relationship matures. When we first got married hot sex was the norm because of the newness of it; now the great sex comes after a teensy bit more work - but it is so much better than it was when we first started. Don't buy the line that the sex dies, weakens or becomes routine - it doesn't have to; and you need to take responsibility for keeping the spark alive!
False Expectation Number 5: "Quickies" are a no-no
Do not underestimate the power of a quicky. I always heard the term "quicky" with a snarky tone from the ladies, so I assumed it was a bad thing. Sometimes a quicky is a quick-fix for sexual frustration or a lack of closeness. I think a lot of the negative feelings about quickies come from women who only get quickies from their man...bummer.
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